


Perceval's Exhortation

by Ganelon8



Category: Arthurian Mythology, La Queste del Saint Graal, Le Morte d'Arthur - Thomas Malory, Vulgate Cycle
Genre: Holy Grail, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Other, Pining, discussion of religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 17:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18103124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ganelon8/pseuds/Ganelon8
Summary: A retelling of a minor incident in the Vulgate-Quest and Malory where Perceval meets an unusual being on an island, and there's a moment of close romance. There's some interesting lit crit on this scene, but here's a slightly less academic fan fiction on it, where this mysterious person is the narrator.





	Perceval's Exhortation

The first thing I noticed about him was his hair. It was a dark color, somewhere between red and brown. I had known from the beginning that he was different, but had never expected to see it so obviously in his hair. 

Heroes were meant to be blonde, with golden ringlets, like an angel. Sir Galahad was blonde, as was Sir Bors. Even Sir Kay, known for his caustic tongue, was blonde, and handsome. I knew he was fair since I had met him once. He had caught me sneaking around the castle and, rather than get me into trouble, had laughed and talked with me as we shared a meal. But not even Sir Kay had Judas-colored hair. Yet before me stood a knight — one of the best, if one was to believe the prophecies — and he had short, red hair.

“Are you lost, my lady?” he said to me.

I was not, but I knew that he was. It was either very kind or very patronizing for him to have thought of me like that. Probably both. 

“Yes,” I said. “Are you lost, too, my lord?”

“Yes,” he said, and smiled. He looked even younger when he smiled.

I didn’t smile back at him, but my eyes didn’t move from his red lips to his eyes (which I now know to be brown). “What is your name, my lord?”

“I am Sir Perceval, my lady,” he said, and bowed.

I waited a moment, then said, “Are you not going to ask my name, then, Sir Perceval?”

He laughed a little, then said, “My lady, my mother taught me above all else to be kind to women, and a tutor of mine cautioned against asking too many questions. I don’t want to provoke your ire, since you seem to be so capable here on your own. Besides,” here he smiled again, “If you do wish me to know your name you may always tell me, but you may have a good reason to keep it hidden.”

Even with the red hair, he was clearly a hero, and with a touch less sense than the others I had met. Even knowing him for so short a time, I thought that Perceval seemed gentle. Perhaps if his destiny had not called so loudly he might not have become a knight. He didn’t seem quite suited for the duty, despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary.

“Well then, Sir Perceval, I shall leave you to wonder as to my name,” I said. “How did you come to be here, on this island?”

“I had been on a ship, my lady, captained by a mysterious man. He said that there was something I must do here, though he did not say what it was.”

“I am very glad that this unknown benefactor did send you here.” Then, making sure to widen my eyes as though I had only just noticed, I said, “Sir Perceval! You are hurt!”

He looked down. He was totally covered in armor, but there was blood on his plated chest. The blood had not yet dried. “Oh, I don’t think it’s mine…”

“Were you in a battle?”

“Not precisely… Earlier, I had seen a lion being attacked by a dragon, so I helped to defeat the dragon and patch up the lion’s wounds… This must be some blood from the lion.”

Of course he had fought a dragon to save a lion. I removed a handkerchief from my sleeve and stepped forward. “May I?” Perceval nodded, so I used the lacy cloth to mop up the lion’s blood. The design of his armor was plain, and a silver color like any other knight’s. Either I had been mistaken when hearing of his red-enameled armor, or he had changed into something less unique for his current quest. Which, I reminded myself as I finished wiping off his chest plate, I was not yet meant to know about.

“Thank you,” Perceval said, taking a step backwards once I had finished. He was extremely pale, so I could see how pink his cheeks were. While he was busy staring at his toes, I took the opportunity to look over him again. His body was hidden by the armor, but it was evident that he was tall and lean. He was holding his helmet under an arm, so I still had a clear view of his hair and his face. His eyes were clear, his chin was oval, and, under my gaze, his cheeks were getting pinker. 

“It’s no trouble,” I said. “What do you know about this island?”

“Not very much,” he said. “I’ve not been here for a day yet, and haven’t seen very much of it yet.”

“I have been here a few days longer than you, so I can tell you that other than beasts, cliffs, and this shore, there is not much here. Come, I have a pavillion here, and some food, all of which I will share with you,” I said.

“Thank you, my lady,” he said.

I did not hold out an arm for him, but he followed me anyway up the slope that lead away from the shore, through the tall grasses which tickled my chin, then to the lake with the grove, under which my pavillion was located. I tried to get him to sit down so I could get out a meal for us, but he asked to help so nicely that I let him, and directed him to where I kept everything.

Before long, we were sitting on one of the blankets outside. The breeze was stirring the leaves above us and was cool on my face, which felt unusually warm. It smelled sweet outside, and the late afternoon bugs were humming in the grasses and along the sides of the lake. I laid back on my side, facing Perceval, and invited him to do the same. He managed quite well despite the armor. 

I poured him some wine, making sure that our fingertips brushed as I passed the goblet to him. “Sir Perceval, even if you are too polite to say it, I know that my situation is… unusual. The truth is, I’m in need of assistance. I can hardly believe that you seemed to just appear out of nowhere, as though you were a miracle, or an apparition, right out of my mind…” I reached out and grabbed his hand in mine, then made sure to gasp as I let go of him. “Oh! Excuse me! I simply wished to make certain that you are real!”

“I am, my lady,” he said. To a passerby, he must have looked more like a maiden than me, with his hair just slightly mussed, his lips slightly apart and his cheeks pink, all this from just one small touch. “I am no miracle, but I am a knight. I will do whatever in my power I can to aid you.”

“Thank you,” I said, and leaned back a bit further as I prepared to tell him my story. “My mother and father died in an accident a few years ago, and my father’s brother became my guardian. Until my marriage, the lands and title reverted to me, but my uncle craved these things for himself. He plotted to marry me, but I refused and did my best to foil his schemes. Now, he told me before leaving me here, he has faked my death and left me here, with supplies only for a fortnight, so soon my supposed death shall become a reality…” I bit my lip, since bursting into tears would be embarrassing, and lowered my eyes. It was hardly a unique scenario I had described. The death of a ruler often lead to chaos, but more often when the heir presumptive was considered unequal to the task, as an unmarried woman would be.

“I am so sorry about your parents,” Perceval said, and I looked up to see that he was looking at me, but he dropped his eyes immediately. He frowned slightly, then said, very quietly, “My mother died, not very long ago.”

Oh. I took his hand again, this time without thinking. “I am sorry for you.”

He smiled a little bit, but didn’t look up. “I know that she was a very good person, and so I know she is in heaven now, but… everything still seems so empty without her.”  
I smiled, too. The mouth often spoke false, but I knew his gentle words were truthful. 

He finally looked back up at me, and said, “I will help you get off this island, my lady, and once we are on familiar ground, I will help you reclaim your castle.”  
“Thank you,” I said, and smiled a bit more fully. I raised my goblet to take another sip of the spiced wine, the scent filling my nose. 

We talked a while longer. I asked him about his mother, and if he had any siblings, and what his quest had been before he had been trapped on this island. Perceval was on the quest for the Holy Grail, which all of the king’s knights had been sent to reclaim for honor, glory, and country.

“And you know for certain that this Grail exists?” I said.

“Do you not believe in it, my lady?” he said, looking a bit stricken. I quickly assured him that I did, and he looked relieved. “I have seen the Grail myself. It is a beautiful thing to behold.”

I was quiet for a moment, trying to picture the vessel. “But does such a relic really belong to any single nation?” I said. “Perhaps it would be better if the Grail remained hidden. Would its possession not cause war among countries, and other kings would be driven mad with jealousy unless they could posses the vessel?” 

“It is no earthly king that directs my actions. I am loyal to my Lord, and it is for Him that I go on this quest,” Perceval said. 

“But… what will He want you to do with the Grail once it his been found?”

“I do not know. I do know that it is not my destiny to find the Grail, but to witness when a more worthy knight does.” There was no envy in his tone, nor on his face. He was apparently satisfied in bearing witness to this marvelous discovery without claiming any glory for himself. 

At that point, the air had cooled as the sun dipped below the horizon. Night bugs were calling from the edges of the pond. I suggested that we sleep now then talk more in the morning, and search for a way off this island then. Perceval agreed, and insisted that he sleep outside.

“What,” I said, “You do not trust your virtue inside the pavilion with me? I suppose I do look very dangerous.”

“It’s not that, my lady…” Perceval said, his words dropping off as the color in his face grew. 

“I am just teasing,” I said. “Let me share some of these blankets with you, so that you may at least keep warm in the night air.”

It took me a long while to fall asleep that night. 

The next morning at sunrise, I was shocked to find that I had slept. What woke me up was warm light pressing against my eyelids. I dressed myself, then stepped out of the pavilion. In the dim orange light from the sunrise, I saw Perceval was just waking up as well. His hair was charmingly mussed and his eyes were barely half open. I greeted him, then walked to the edge of the pond, where I knelt on the thick moss. 

The face looking up at me was familiar. My hair was still tangled, but I braided my thick dark hair anyway, some small pieces escaping. I stared at myself for a few moments. I was pretty, but not sure if pretty was enough. I could make my lips more red, my eyes larger and lighter, or lace my dress tighter all very easily, but wasn’t sure that such vanities would make me appeal more to my newfound companion. Perhaps I should have waited longer before making myself known to him here, I thought to myself. But he was a good enough knight he could have tracked me down himself… I shook my head. It was too late to do anything drastic to my appearance, or to change how we had met. I would have to work with what I had.

As the sunrise was ending, we sat together on one of the blankets, to share a meal. He was no longer in armour. Of course, there was no way he could comfortably sleep in it, and he had not been awake an hour yet, so there was no time to redress himself. The clothes he wore looked soft, and to be made of good material. The fabric was white, of course, but it looked pink and orange in the dregs of the sunrise. 

“How did you sleep, my lord?” I said, my face undoubtedly pink as well. 

“Very well, thank you my lady. And thank you for sharing what you have with me. That is very kind,” Perceval said. 

Rather than reply, I smiled and drank some of the clear, sweet water from the goblets we drank wine with last night. “Thank you for offering to help me return to my home.”

“Of course,” he said. “If I did not aid someone whom I could help, I would be the most wretched of all people.”

“So,” I said, deliberately pitching my voice so it rang with false casualness, “How many other ladies have you helped in straits similar to my own?”

“I have helped many people, and—”

“And have you promised yourself in marriage to any of them?” I said over whatever he was about to say.

“My lady, no!” he said, eyes wide.

I smiled fully then, and leaned forward so the neck of my dress gaped. “Good. For I love you, Perceval, and aim to take you as my husband.”

He blushed like then, a very pretty pink. “My lady… Yesterday, I promised to do what you asked of me. I… I would not want to disobey you in that, nor… nor in what you ask of me now. I would be more than honored to wed you, my lady, for I love you, too.”

I smiled wider, and moved myself next to him on our blanket, placing my hand over his. He spread his fingers and I laced mine through his. My right side was pressed up against his left, and I could feel his muscles through his clothing. Perhaps… I thought… Perhaps this would work.

“May I kiss you?” I said.

He nodded slowly. “I-I have never, um…”

He had never been kissed. Strong, gentle Perceval was trusting me with this. I felt heat rush through me as I realized that I would be the first to touch him as a lover. I wondered if he would taste as sweet as he looked.

“That’s alright,” I said, “I’ll show you how.”

I tilted my face up and let him move the short distance to move our lips level. I cupped his chin in my hand and he closed his eyes, his face still pink. I kissed him then, first a light brush of his soft lips with my own, then kissed him deeper, to get a better taste of him. I found myself unable to stop kissing him until I ran out of air, and leaned back to look at him. 

“Was that too much?” I said.

He shook his head. “Not at all.”

“And even now you do not know my name,” I murmured against his lips.

“No matter what your name is, I love you, my lady,” Perceval said. And then we were kissing again, but we had moved together towards one another at the same time, and were clutching at one another as though getting closer would cure this poison, rather than make it flow more quickly through our bodies.

I reached for his belt first, but waited to ungird him before he nodded, unbuckling his own sword and setting it to the side as I removed his belt. After that, I made short work of his clothes, and set those aside to admire him.

“Perceval, you are beautiful,” I said, trailing a hand down his chest, delighted to see that his blush went down so far.

“I think that you’re beautiful,” he said.

“Would you help me with my gown?” I said as I began to unpin my hair and release it from its braid.

“If you wish,” he said, and I moved so he could unlace the back of my gown. 

Once the back was undone, I easily slipped out of the dress. In just my shift, I could feel a slight chill from the lingering night air. I knew the fabric of my shift was too thin to hide much, but I guided his hands to the hem and raised my arms so he could lift it off me.

I saw his throat move as he swallowed.

“You can touch me, if you want,” I said, demonstrating this by placing my own hand under one of my breasts.

“You are so beautiful,” he said, as he began to touch me very gently with calloused fingers.

I moved forward so I was nearly in his lap and wound an arm around his waist, leaning up to kiss him again. He opened his mouth and I claimed it. I kissed down to his neck, and then his chest. Before he could wrap his arms around me to move me closer, I laid down on the blanket, the fabric smooth on my back.

“Come, let me kiss you again Perceval,” I said. He came forward, brushing up my stomach, which made me shiver.

“You’ll have to tell me what to do,” he said, and even though I knew he meant because of his innocence, his words and the power he gave me made me shiver again.  
“I will,” I said, and he bent over to kiss me chastely, before sitting back and biting his own lip. “What is it that interests you?” I said, and sat up so I could reach him again. I cupped one of my own breasts as, with my other hand, I brushed my fingers up along his inner thigh. He let his breath in a gasp, and nearly shouted when, with the hand I had been touching myself with, I pinched one of his nipples.

“May I… touch you, too?” he said, his breathing irregular.

“Please do,” I said.

I felt an arm encircle my waist just as the sun burst out fully from above the trees, the sunrise fully passed. We could see one another more clearly in the golden light, and I smiled.

Something next to the blanket glinted in the sunlight. My eyes flicked over to see Perceval’s sword. He had turned just slightly as well, and his eyes were resting on his blade. The hilt was pointed toward us, and I could see it was undecorated but for a plain cross.

As Perceval raised his right hand, I was sickness rise in the base of my stomach. I knew what was about to happen. I had been so close, and now it was going to be for nothing.

I reached out to grab his right hand, but I was too late. His eyes still on the sword, Perceval crossed himself. I screamed.

He whipped back to face me, worry on his features, but it was far too late. All I felt was agony as the face and body I had illusioned onto myself were torn away, leaving me exposed in my real form. Perceval’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth — maybe to finally question me — but a gust of cold wind that smelled of smoke cut off his words.

Of course I was a demon sent to tempt you!! I wanted to shout at him as the wind pulled me into the air. Were you so stupid as to really trust my flimsy story and not ask any questions? Sure, my enchantments helped to make you think that I was the most desirable creature, but surely the second best knight in the world was better than this!

I spread my wings as a dark cloud surrounded me. What did this pure, foolish knight think of me now that he had seen my true form? In the impossible beauty of my face and body, the glittering obsidian patterns on my sides and wings, the brightness of my eyes, and how I was both male and female, he would undoubtedly now see me as something to be scared of. And why not? I was a thousand times more powerful than any human… yet Perceval had just bested me.

As I felt my body begin to disintegrate from the mortal realm, I saw him draw his sword.

I felt that horrible sickness again, but this time it gripped my heart. I wanted to scream at him not to do it, but I could not speak.

Rather than stabbing his chest as I had feared, he stabbed himself through one of his thighs. He pulled the sword out, the shining blade stained red, the blood red on the blanket. With that pretty face and his torn clothes around him, he looked like a deflowered maiden. “Forgive me,” Perceval said, raising the sword to stab his other thigh. Before I could see anything else or hear the rest of his words, I was gone.

***

I saw him once more before he died.

Everyone knew that after Sir Galahad died, taking the Grail with him up to heaven, and Sir Bors had returned to court like some holy crow preaching against worldliness, Perceval had remained behind. He had become a hermit, hanging up his sword and plate for some beads.

I had gotten into trouble for failing to seduce him, even though due to the prophecies no one had expected me to succeed. My next assignment was much easier, and distracting the illuminators had grown boring. I had already won that battle, and someone had come to check on my progress not long ago. So I left my post to go see Perceval again.

I traveled by sea, and hurried the journey when I could. By land I walked alone, and easily deterred anyone who tried to detain me. And so, in this manner, I arrived on the plains surrounding his cottage before too long.

Since I had just come to see him rather than reminisce or try and seduce him again, I did not go in my own face which I normally wore, or the female one he had seen before. I was male today, and a knight. I made sure my armor wasn’t too well-polished before crossing the plain and walking up to his cottage. 

There was no door, so I banged on the doorframe before going in. I glanced around, but didn’t see him in the single room. He was a better housekeeper than I had expected. There were plenty of herbs hanging from the rafters too, which suggested he had gotten into healing or else was cooking more than he had before. Either way would be good for him. There was a pallet against the wall, with no blanket. The heavy table was cluttered with items while the rest of the room was austere, but when I walked over to sift through it, I saw it was mostly ingredients for a meal. The walls were bare, which shouldn’t have surprised me since Perceval wasn’t the sort to literally hang his own sword on the wall as some sort of trophy of the spiritual over the secular. He might have buried it, though, along with his armor. 

I was sitting by the entrance with my hands in my lap like a very demure knight when he walked in a few minutes later. I rose immediately as he entered.

He looked good, I saw. Maybe the life of a hermit agreed with him. He was tanner than he had been before, and wore robes. He still had his hair, for which I was glad. He was wiping his hands off on his sides as he walked in, eyes cast down where he walked, so when he said, “Hello, I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting. I had been cutting wood, and…” When he looked up to see my new face, his voice dropped off. There was no possible way he recognized me, but I still didn’t like the way that Perceval was looking at me.

My mouth immediately went dry, but I went on with my knightley act. “It’s no trouble, brother. Might I ask what you are doing so far out in the world alone?”

“I am a hermit,” he said, walking over to his table which had a bucket of water on one end. He ladeled some into a cup, then walked over to give it to me. 

I didn’t try to brush my hands against his, but I did enjoy him looking up at me. I was now taller than him, so I had a clear view of his face, tipped back as he passed me the cup. His hair was longer and now had a wave to it, but his eyes were still clear and his lips were still red. 

“I do not wish to be impertinent, but…” He stepped away from me and looked down. I drank the water to give him more time to find his words, and to seem unworried. Just when it seemed he wasn’t going to say anything, he looked back up at me, and said, “You are the same one, aren’t you? The same being who I met on the island.”

I frowned to mask my sigh, but changed my hair to it’s usual color even as I kept the rest of my body the same. I couldn’t lie when he said it clearly like that, much as I would like to. “Yes.” 

His eyes flicked to my shoulders, and the elaborate pauldron I wore. My whole suit was a bit more fancy than the situation had warranted, but I enjoyed looking nice. His eyes were back on mine quickly enough. “The craftsmanship of your armor is beautiful. You make a very fine knight.”

“Thank you,” I said, a corner of my mouth curling up into a smile. “You made a pretty enough knight yourself.”

I could still make him blush, which pleased me more than it should have. Even if he hadn’t been living alone in the woods, he was one if he prophesied knights, so no one would dare to tease him, even if they meant it. 

“If it had been you I met that day in the forest, dressed as a knight as you are…” Perceval said, and he trailed off again. I knew well enough how he had been raised in seclusion and, upon meeting a trio of knights, had mistaken them for angels and wanted to be one of their order from that day forward. From his silence, he was most likely wondering if I knew about that, but would rather hear how much he chose to share with me than help him out by saying I already knew what had occurred. “If it was you I had met that day, I surely would have been lost,” Perceval said. “I would never have stood a chance.”

That made me smile fully. “I regret that I hadn’t interfered with you sooner, then.”

He smiled back, not as happily as I had, but it was still nice.

I reached behind him to set the cup on his table, stepping forward slightly as I did, which brought us closer together. “But then I would never have seen you dressed as you are now, the penitent monk. This garb suits you well, but I rather think that anything would look well on you. In fact,” I said, making a show of my inspection, “I think that you would look quite well in nothing at all.”

He dropped his eyes at that. “Whatever you say. You know well enough already what I look like.” 

“I know you’re beautiful,” I said, wanting to reach out and touch his face. I wanted to see if the blush made his cheeks hot, and if his red lips were still as sweet as they had been. I even wanted to see those horrible scars on his thighs, just because I wanted to see every part of him, and to know his heart. I would’ve damned myself just then if I wasn’t already, since I realized then that I loved this human, gentle and holy as he was. Instead of saying any of that, I swallowed, and said, “You should know by now that you are. Your eyes, the way they shine is captivating. And your heart… your heart is the most beautiful thing about you.”

Perceval looked up again, his brown eyes wide. I thought he was going to back away to find his hidden sword, but instead he stepped forward, so close that the soft wool covering his body brushed against my plate armor. He reached for my belt, and when I realized it was my dagger he was going for, I put a hand over his. He was strong enough to draw it anyway, and he pressed it into my hands. His face was still pink, and I couldn’t stop looking at his lips, which were just slightly parted. 

“Then,” he said, his voice low and a bit rough, “Take them. Cut them out. My eyes, my heart, they’re yours.”

I brushed a hand through his hair, then grabbed a fistful to roughly tilt his back as I wound my other arm around his waist. “Perhaps it was not so wise to give me the only weapon in the room,” I said, bending forward so the air from my words brushed his lips.

“I am not afraid,” he said, and, fool that he was, he spoke the truth. The other side had already claimed his soul, and I could tell that he wouldn’t live to see the next month.

He left his eyes open, perhaps as an invitation for me to take them out. Instead, I released his waist and raised the hand that had been on his hip, holding the knife. I pulled his head back a touch further, then used the knife to cut off a lock of his red hair, then let go of Perceval and stepped away. “I would never hurt you again,” I said, and raised the lock of hair to my lips. 

I stepped away from him as he reached up to feel where I had cut his hair, and he smiled. “You’re very kind.” He looked like he was going to say something else, and I half hoped that he would finally ask my name. “I hope that you didn’t get in trouble at all, because of me.”

“Not at all,” I lied.

“That’s good. I enjoyed speaking with you, and would be sad if you had gotten into trouble over that,” he said. He pulled at a loose string on one of his sleeves. “I was going to have supper in a bit, so you could stay, if you like?”

I could say ‘I would love to’ or ‘We did more than just talk, if you recall’. I found that wanted to stay, and I knew my desire meant whatever ran contrary to it would be what the side Perceval had chosen would want. I wouldn’t take his choice away, I decided, after everything that he had done to get to where he was now. I shook my head, and said, “I should go.”

His face fell, and I felt awful. “Will I see you again?”

I couldn’t just tell him no, so I said, “Maybe,” and I doubted it would be true, even as I hoped otherwise. He would have a peaceful last month, I could tell. For that I was glad. I wanted to kiss him before I left, but that would be selfish. I also didn’t just want to run out without saying anything, but I had no words to share.

While I was standing there debating with myself what to do, Perceval just stepped forward and embraced me. “I don’t know if this is allowed,” he said as my arms rose around him of their own accord. “But thank you. For this, and for everything.”

He shouldn’t be thanking me. I didn’t protest that, though, and pressed my nose in his hair to smell him better. He was both hard and soft in my arms, and I wished to take him with me. There was a slight tinkle of bells and rain from outside, so I pulled myself from his embrace. 

I didn’t say goodbye, but he did, with quiet words and watery eyes. I wasn’t sure what a prayer from a demon would do, but I wished him well all the same. There is always hope for forgiveness if one is penitent, the priests and monks all say. I have no faith in them. Humans stray from laws, divine or earthy, whenever it suits them. I don’t want forgiveness, since I did nothing wrong. What I do want, is for this last month to be peaceful for Perceval.

I stepped out into the sun as a few crystalline raindrops splattered onto my armor, and felt the heat all over my face. Rather than turn and be faced once more by Perceval and feel the urge once more to stay and ruin him for the afterlife prepared for him, I let myself melt back into the shadows of the earth, and further down. I will not see him again in this life or his next.


End file.
